Using Tax Dollars to Promote Bad Pizza

Clayton Cramer looks at how the USDA program to promote cheese has used our tax dollars to help make bad pizza worse. We’re not gifted with much in the Philly area, but we were fortunate enough to develop a decent local pizza culture. Pizza here is New York style. Chicago pizza is an abomination in the eyes of God. In our area, there is definitely some mighty bad local pizza, but they don’t measure up to the chains in terms of horribleness. Papa John’s and Dominoes are blah. In fact, they are bad pizza, really. Pizza Hut is the worst. If you’re looking for a good chain pizza, this one is my favorite, and beats much of my local selection. I particularly recommend the Margherita pizza.

I am happy to hear my tax dollars have been contributing to the ruining of pizza across this great country. It gives me one more reason to hate the government.

20 Responses to “Using Tax Dollars to Promote Bad Pizza”

  1. Shootin' Buddy says:

    New York pizza is a blob of inedible cheese and dough.

    How those slack-jawed provincials eat that rubbish is beyond me.

  2. I wouldn’t call Chicago deep dish an abomination before God. I also wouldn’t call it pizza. It’s a casserole and should be appreciated as such.

    Bertuccis is pretty good. I prefer the Sporkie myself. But I’ve found quality varies quite a bit between locations because working a wood pizza oven takes actual skill.

  3. Carl from Chicago says:

    Chicago pizza is an abomination in the eyes of God.

    Plus one. While there are many things I like about Chicago, their style of pizza is not among them.

  4. Jeff says:

    “Chicago pizza is an abomination in the eyes of God.”

  5. Kevin says:

    There are many things about the Chicago area that I don’t miss, but I do miss Gino’s East.

  6. Jeff says:

    You can buy Gino’s East 2 pounders in some grocery stores here. Look online, you might be able to find it available to be delivered frozen. They heat well in the oven and I can usually find them for $5 (YMMV), which is the steal of the century.

  7. dustydog says:

    Papa John pizza is a sign of God’s favor upon the righteous. New York style pizza is what real Americans call “that gross slimey crap they served in middle school.”

    When somebody visits the Jersey shore for the first time, you know they will have a funny story about trying to get their money back from the lousy boardwalk pizzeria that served greasy New York pizza on a paper plate instead of honest pizza.

    Pizza so bad even the pigeons won’t eat it.

  8. Merle says:

    Here in VA Poppa Johns is the second best chain. The newcomer chain is Sunrise Pizzaria and they are # 1 in my book.

    Of course, this only applies to chains – any one of several Ma & Pa shops still wins hands down!


  9. Another Phil says:

    My nomination for Worst Pizza on Earth is Straw Hat Pizza, on the West Coast. I wouldn’t have known it was supposed to be pizza if it hadn’t been for the sign. It seemed they had formulated it based on rumors about something called pizza, that had been whispered down the lane.

  10. Heather from AK says:

    I do have to say that the revamped Dominoes is so much better than the old kind as to be incomparable.

  11. Merle says:

    That’s sad about Straw Hat pizza – before I left CA in the mid seventies it was one of the best.


  12. Pete says:

    Try Sal + Joe’s in Maple Shade. The best. It’s been 3 years for me.

  13. Kevin Baker says:

    I’ll be the outcast here who says that Pizza Hut is pretty edible stuff. Depending on my mood, I like both the Thin-n-Crispy and the Pan. Not fond of their hand-tossed. Domino’s is far and away better than they used to be, but still only second-rate. Papa John’s is “meh.” Chicago-style isn’t bad, but “casserole” is an apt description.

    The foldable, greasy crap that passes for New York style is . . . execrable. Pizza crust should be crust, not soggy bread.

    And the hands-down winner for worst pizza is Little Caesar’s. You’d be better off eating the box. I’ve had FROZEN pizza an order of magnitude better.

    Best pizza I’ve ever had came from an independent place in North Carolina. They had a whole-wheat crust that was INCREDIBLE. Then Domino’s moved in and bought ’em out.

    I hope that somewhere that guy is still making pizza.

  14. Sebastian says:

    NY pizza made right shouldn’t be soggy, nor all that greasy. Though you can certainly find examples of both.

  15. Anon R. D. says:

    Chicago > NYC in most respects,* but pizza is definitely an exception. As was said above, Chi pizza is an overrated casserole.

    *: However, I’d rather live in almost any city in the (non-Gulf Coast) South than in either of them.

  16. Kevin says:

    There was a place in East Lansing MI called Bilbo’s Pizza. It had really great pizza, the first whole wheat pizza I remember having. The East Lansing one is long gone (sob), but the one in Kalamazoo is still there and is still apparently good.

    And yeah, the new Domino’s is a lot better. Papa John’s took a turn for the worse about 4 or 5 years ago and I gave up on them.

    I’ve ordered the frozen Gino’s East, but the sausage pizza’s you get don’t have a single sausage patty that covers the entire top of the pizza like you get in the restaurant. Hmm, looking for an image it seems they are selling this version on-line. …

  17. Inebriated Arsonist says:

    I’m with Kevin on Pizza Hut. I find their stuff greasy, but tasty.

  18. Weer'd Beard says:

    Bertuccis is OK as far as chains go. I do like brick-oven pizzas in general, but their sauce sucks. Cover it with some of their neat toppings (like the above mentioned sporkie) its OK.

    Still the best pizza you’ll ever find is NOT a chain, but on Main street with Formica counters and the ball game on TV, and maybe an old pinball machine in the corner. There are some bad imitations, but you’ll know it when you find it!

  19. My heavens. I had no intention of provoking pizza wars! I happen to like both New York and Chicago styles of pizza. They are both good, but in very different ways.

    Of all the chains, I like Round Table best–something about their sauce is just awesome. Alas, Round Table shut down operations in the Boise area.

  20. Heather from AK says:

    If you’re ever up in my neck of the woods, check out Moose Tooth for pizza and ask for the house sauce. Heaven!