What Would A President Do?

Bitter got me thinking about an interesting subject when she said,

“I mean as much as i dislike Bush, if he were in a bar and some sketchy guy made a play for Laura, I could see him taking a swing. Romney, i couldn’t see it. Aside from the fact that he wouldn’t be in a bar.”

So I thought a bit and suggested,

“I can see Giuliani pulling out a billy club and beating him over the back of the head old school bronx style, or McCain strangling the guy to death like he were a Vietnamese prison guard that he caught in a moment of inattentiveness.”

Bitter retorted, “Presidents should be real men. I want one who wouldn’t be afraid to pick up a rifle and go shoot Osama himself, if given the opportunity.”

Interesting idea. So if our past presidents were going to kill Osama himself, how would he do it? I have some ideas, though a few presidents are skipped.

Teddy Roosevelt would have shot him and then had him stuffed for a trophy.

Woodrow Wilson would have gotten Osama to blow his brains out with a shotgun, by incessantly repeating his Fourteen Points.

William Howard Taft would kill Osama by being rolled out of a plane, in a variation of the Bouncing Bomb.

Warren G. Harding would have shot Osama, but would have demanded the 25 million bounty up front, then another 10 in kickbacks later as part of an oil deal.

FDR wouldn’t have killed Osama, because FDR couldn’t kill Osama. It’s hard to navigate a cave in a wheelchair.

Truman would have shot Osama himself, after firing MacArthur for wanting to drop an atomic bomb on him. He’d take the 25 million dollar bounty, and open the whorehouse of his dreams, where he would be the piano player.

Eisenhower would build a highway system in Afghanistan, so he could drive all around the country and try to run over Osama.

Jack Kennedy would hire the CIA to try to assassinate Osama, who would fail, but he’d be happy as along as he got a crack at one of Osama’s cousins.

Johnson would shoot Osama Texas style, by mistaking him for a pheasant.

Nixon would get G. Gordon Liddy to break into Osama’s cave, and strangle him with piano wire.

Gerald Ford stumbled off a cliff before he could get the shot off.

Jimmy Carter couldn’t find Osama, so he blamed the jews.

Ronald Reagan found him, got him in his sights, but forgot to pull the trigger.

George H. W. Bush decided to attack Osama by air, but he got shot down by a Japanese Zero somewhere over the pacific before he got over target. Poor George.

Clinton handed Osama and exploding cigar, then claimed “Mmm…. tastes good”.

That’s my attempt at humor for the night. Anyone else have any more they can add?