Mall Ninjary on Parade

Many thanks to Tam and PDB for entertaining me this evening with images of this fellow:


This is really one of those things you hope you never see. There’s enough muzzling of other things there to seriously disturb. But it gets better. Thanks to an intrepid reader of Tam’s, it turns out this guy has a record over at Bullshido (warning, not safe for anyone). That lead me to find this guy’s YouTube channel, which is perhaps the finest collection of mall ninjary I’ve seen on the Internets. How can you argue with quality training like this?


The neighbors must love it. I really hope the other guys in that video didn’t fork over good money to get muzzled in some dude’s back yard. This one had me practically blowing soda out of my nose:


That kind of training might even be too over the top for teaching Hollywood actors how to look cool. I’m not even sure it does look that cool. Either way, based on the site over on Bullshido, what are this guy’s qualifications? It seems it comes down to this:

We discovered that a Ralph Severe of Texas was trained and employed as a private security guard at one time, some of Severe’s videos show him conducting interviews in some sort of LE/Security uniform. We can reasonably assume that Severe may indeed have some legitimate LE training, but that his resume may be embellished to imply more expertise than he perhaps deserved.

Said another way, it could perhaps be this, “I am the Sergeant of a three-man Rapid Tactical Force at one of America’s largest indoor retail shopping areas.”

25 thoughts on “Mall Ninjary on Parade”

  1. I was unable to watch the videos all the way through. After all my heart can only take so much. If these morons ever get in a real firefight they will get killed quickly.

  2. Hahahaaa! The third video had me Rollin’ with laughter while they’re rollin’ in stupidity.

  3. Harp:

    I do not blame you. I also have not watched any of these videos all the way through. That’s too much to ask of anyone. Well, I did watch the rolling, rolling, rolling down the woods video all the way through, because that was some funny shit.

  4. Internet dorkery can go to great depths. The great trick, however, is recognizing the dorkery as it’s happening. For instance, I am seriously considering joining a Virtual Airline which if you break it down is really grown men playing Airline Captain. You can say “I’m learning about flying,” or, “If I’m the only one who didn’t have fish for dinner, I don’t wanna die,” all you want. But the fact is that you’re a grown dude playing Airline Captain. Nothing wrong with that, though. We all need an escape from our crappy day jobs. But when I take myself seriously enough to start a flight instructor school, and try to convince others that I can teach them to be real airline captains, because I can get a simulated 737 to Boston and back without crashing, I’ve crossed the line from dorkery to Mall Ninjary, just in a different context.

    Some people seem to think exercising their fantasies makes them real experts. Probably because they can’t step outside of their fantasies, and see what they really are.

    1. Does it count as dorkery if you’re really considering learning to fly? I mean you went up recently, you’re taking a glider lesson later this month, and you’ve definitely done the research. To me, some level of seriousness reduces the level of dorkery.

      I’ll give you credit in that you’re actually taking it seriously. Learning to fly was something I always said I wanted to do, but never took it seriously. Now that I listen to you talk about what all goes into it, I’m not sure I am cut out for it. But then again, I look at some of the people I know who fly planes and know that if they managed to score certification, I definitely could do it.

  5. It’ll never happen. It’s too much money and even if I spend the 5 grand on the license, I don’t have money to actually fly very much.

  6. Flying is easy. Getting that kite back on the ground safely is the hard part.

  7. The Elite Team Fighter guy was great, but only produced a few videos, and had the excuse of youth. This guy is at the age the ETF guy will be when he looks back on that video and wants (hopefully) to kill himself for ever doing it.

  8. The first two were just idiots muzzling idiots. The last one… wow… barrel roll city…. rofl. It’s like gabe suarez on retard steroids. It embarrasses me to admit it, but I do use the under rifle ak charging method, and have been known to use one ak mag to knock another out then reload that way. I did use a shot timer and both were faster methods, but I guess in comparison my mall ninja is weak compared to these pros.

  9. Also Sebastian, in response to your online virtual airline comment. It’s NOTHING like flying a real airplane… no angry passengers, no bitchy flight attendants, no mechanical delays… Throw a 5 year old daughter in the room when she wants candy and have your wife yell at you about how you get paid 5 times as much as she does and you are just lazy bastard. Then after you virtually land have some stranger walk into the room and tell you how he has taken some flying lessons… and he knows you blew a tire on landing….

    :- P This will help you get a feel for what being a commercial pilot is really like. ROFL.

    Realizing that the action you are about to take is extremely dorky, but doing it anyway for entertainment value doesn’t make you mall ninja. It makes you awesome. Keep up the excellent work.

  10. Hahaha… that feature won’t be included until X-Plane 11. I wouldn’t presume to tell a commercial pilot anything. The complexity of even doing an airliner in a simulator has given me a new respect for commercial airline pilots. The attention to detail, and the amount of information you have to keep straight in your head is daunting, to say the least.

  11. The dog scratching itself at 7:02 on the second video has inspired me. Clearly, I need to come up with a tactical flea removal drill and post it on YouTube.

  12. That last video… Isn’t that a new summer Olympic sport combining gymnastics and shooting?

  13. “It embarrasses me to admit it, but I do use the under rifle ak charging method, and have been known to use one ak mag to knock another out then reload that way.”

    What’s to be embarrassed about? Under/over charging on the AK is a personal choice as they both work fine, and using the new mag to knock out the old one is how the pros do it.

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