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A modest proposal for a “Racing Car Ban”

Imagine, if you will, a politician’s press conference transcript, reproduced below

In light of recent tragic street racing deaths caused by youths recreating closed circuit road racing in street-legal cars that look like NASCAR vehicles, I have a modest proposal that we ban these cars that are similar to cars of racing.

A car should be considered a “racing car” if it meets the below-listed criteria:

A 4-seat car with an automatic transmission and the ability to be refueled from a portable tank and has at least 2 of the following:

  1. A driver’s seat that adjusts in height or can be moved forward and back on rails
  2. A shift level mounted in the center console
  3. A “Bull bumper” or a “ramplate”
  4. A 2″ or greater exhaust pipe or a muffler designed to accommodate a 2″ or greater exhaust pipe
  5. A weapon mount

A 2-seat car with an automatic transmission and the ability to be refueled from a portable tank and has at least 2 of the following:

  1. A fuel fill port behind the license plate
  2. A muffler capable of accepting a 2″ or greater exhaust pipe
  3. A steering wheel grip cover
  4. A manufactured weight of over 5000 lbs with an empty gas tank
  5. A street-legal copy of a track-only vehicle

A SUV with any number of seats that has an automatic transmission and at least 2 of the following:

  1.  A driver’s seat that adjusts in height or can be moved forward and back on rails
  2. A shift lever mounted in the center console
  3. More than a 15-gallon fuel capacity; and
  4. the ability to be refueled from portable containers.

The original

3 Responses to “A modest proposal for a “Racing Car Ban””

  1. Ian says:

    Live in the Reading area and would love to get together with you guys!

  2. Chas says:

    I heard that race cars are especially dangerous if they have a shoulder thing that goes up.

    • Matt says:

      Yes, those 4 and 5 point harnesses have those dangerous shoulder things that permit the car to travel at faster speeds than regular cars that leave one shoulder unprotected and thus slow you down.

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